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The 84th Annual Academy Awards (2012)


The lights go up in the Kodak theater and out comes Morgan Freeman. He opens with history: apparently movies have changed since they began, but we still really like them (paraphrase).The curtain opens and the video begins. Billy Crystal strapped to a chair in black and white silent "The Artist", being totured to host (so say the cards between scenes). He makes a plug for his movie "Parental Guidance" coming out in November.Then it's the always-game George Clooney, doing the scene from "The Descendants" where he begs his comatose wife to wake up. Except it's Billy. George fully commits, even going in for the kiss on the lips. George asks Billy to host and promises the youngest, hippest writers in town.Cut to guys around the table in "Moneyball" -- all oldsters. Jonah Hill agrees he doesn't have enough jokes.Cut to the car from "Midnight in Paris" pulling up to Billy -- with Justin Bieber inside, "I'm here to get you the 18 to 24 demographic". Pan back to Sammy Davis Jr. (Billy) in the car with Biebs, off to hang out with Hemingway and then go kill Hitler. Billy puts on his Miracle Max and wishes them good luck storming the fuhrer. Biebs signs off with "Good luck, Bob".(Wrong name intentional.)Then cut to Billy from the scene in "The Help" -- scarfing down Minny's s*** pie. It tastes delicious.And then we see the first woman in the Oscars pooping in a sink -- the scene from "Bridesmaids".He runs and sits down to watch movies from "Hugo" as Tom Cruise busts in the room through the window a la "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol".Billy chases his reels of movies out the window and ends up in "Tin Tin" racing down the hill on a bike, through motion capture. He flies through the air, into his tux and passed reels of scenes from the nominated movies. He comes out on stage and waves to all the pretty people in the crowd.He acknowledges the applause. "Wow, that was extremely loud and incredible close," he says. This is the ninth time he's hosted. "Just call me 'War Horse'." They're in the "Chapter 11 theater".Billy tries a James Earl Jones imitation, quoting "baseball" from "Field of Dreams". It's funny because James Earl Jones says it quickly?"So tonight, enjoy yourself because nothing can take the sting out the world's economic problems like millionaires presenting each other with golden statues," he closes.And then it's time for "It's a Wonderful Night for Oscar". He breaks into song. "You didn't think I wasn't going to do this did you?" There are nine movies, a lot to cram in. "War House" gets the "Mr. Ed" treatment. "Hugo" to "That's Amore""There's no Pesci, no Bob, there's no killing -- no mob, that's Hugo. Tell the truth, for the sequel I prefer you don't be so arty -- ax the kid, shoot Ben Kingsley in the head, 'cuz you're Marty!" He heard "The Tree of Life" even freaked out God. "The Descendents" bit ends with a joke about George ending up in bed with Oscar tonight.Tom Hanks is out to present the first award. He invites everyone in the audience to take note of their seat relative to seal filler Carl Swabo (cut to an old guy in a powder blue tux), who has been filling seats at the Oscars for 59 years. He is currently filling Jennifer Lopez's seat, who is backstage.He introduces Achievement in Cinematography. The winner is Robert Richardson for "Hugo". He says what everyone is thinking: "I can't believe somebody put cinematography first, it can only go up from this point." Then he thanks some people.Achievement in Art Direction is next. "Hugo" wins again.